Mila thought about this. She thought about the bird on the sidewalk, the vending machine, the moldy bread. She thought about her grandfather’s funeral, which she’d attended in a stiff black dress, and how everyone had talked about what a good man he was, and how she’d felt nothing except the word rising up behind her ribs. Dism . Not grief. Just the hollow shape of grief, like a footprint after the foot is gone.
The man tilted his head. For a moment she thought he would laugh, or politely change the subject. Instead, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a worn leather notebook. He flipped through it, licked his thumb, stopped on a page.
Mila understood. That was the thing about naming something—it didn’t create the thing, but it made it visible. Like constellations. The stars were always there, but until someone drew lines between them, you couldn’t see the bear, the hunter, the swan.
She almost hung up. The idea of letting dism touch her—really touch her, not just sit beside her in the dark—felt like inviting a wolf into the house. But Leo’s voice was calm, and Leo had been collecting for thirty years, and Leo had not gone mad or died of a broken heart. He was just a man in a cardigan, drinking coffee, naming the weather.
“Can I tell you something strange?” Leo said.
Mila turned off the light. She lay down in the dark, alone in the too-big apartment, and she let herself feel whatever was there.
Dism , she thought. And then she let it stay.
